Boundaries.
That feels like a mixed-message word to me.
Part of me knows that having boundaries is a healthy part of self-care. But another part thinks that boundaries might be (gasp!) selfish. Let’s look at some of the ways that setting and maintaining boundaries can be an important component of your health—body, mind, and soul.
1. Boundaries for identity. Let’s be honest. There are any number of facets in your life that would like to be all-consuming. Whether you have small children in your life, or aging parents, or a demanding career, or volunteer work that you’re passionate about—all of these commitments can try to take over your entire self. Setting boundaries, whether it be time limitations, emotional limits, or financial parameters, can help you remember who you are. And it’ll help those around you remember, too.
2. Limits for the well-intended. I certainly wouldn’t want to imply that your children or parents are necessarily trying to drain you dry. But if they don’t know what your limits are, they can’t respect them. If Mom and Dad know that you can only spare a couple of hours on Sunday, they’re less likely to pressure you to stay the entire afternoon. And if your spouse knows how much you’d love an hour to yourself, they are more likely to shuttle the kids to the park and give you the break you need.
3. Bruised edges. Your feelings may well be the best way to determine when firmer boundaries need to be set. If a person or activity has left you feeling some combination of discomfort and/or resentment, it may well be because they are overstepping your boundaries. Maybe it’s a request to serve on another volunteer committee, or to plan another family birthday party, or to reschedule a massage to drive the soccer carpool. In each of these instances, the activity might well be something you’d generally enjoy. But if it’s pushing up against your boundaries, the feeling will be far less pleasant.
4. Acknowledge the consequences. Particularly when boundaries are new, you may need to be certain that those around you understand the consequences of bumping up against them. If your volunteer gig keeps asking you to give them more time, explain that you might have to back away altogether. If Dad wants you to spend all weekend weeding his garden, make sure he knows that next weekend you might not be available at all.
So, how do we do this boundaries thing? One key component is that the focus be on “I” rather than on “you.” One author suggests that you follow a format like this when setting boundaries in an assertive, positive way:
HOW TO USE I STATEMENTS
I feel ____ when _____ because ____________________.
What I need is ____________________________________________.
You’ll note that there’s no blame here. It’s an acknowledgement of your feelings and a clear statement of what will rectify the situation.
Another key component is ensuring that the people around you know just what and when your boundaries are in place. For example, I take Tuesdays as an “Untouchable Day:” I shut off email and social media and focus on writing, planning, and other creative outlets. Tuesday only works if the people in my life know (and therefore can respect) my retreat from contact. Right now I have to remind them every week. Eventually, this boundary will just become a part of our weekly pattern.
A Challenge: I daresay that there isn’t one of us who couldn’t use a more defined boundary in some part or with some person in their life. Do a little searching on your own, and see where you might benefit from a cleaner edge between you and the rest of the world!
Becky Eason, PhD, is an Associate Certified Coach and Certified Leadership Coach. She would love to come with you on your journey for wellness and a happy heart. Learn more on her website: wequestforwellness.com